Sorrowful Song

Long ago the world was ideal
but soon it turned out to be a hell
Now you reminisce the ideal you
Do you sing the time longingly?

Long ago you were brave and living
but the great aplomb came to nothing
Now you reminisce the brave you
Do you sing the time defiantly?

Long ago you were full of faith
but it drove you to shameful depth
Now you reminisce the faithful you
Do you sing the time solemnly?

In your sorrow and in your pain
can you invoke so many a emotion?
Insincere will your song prove to be
if it's not just a cry but a medley

Communal Compromise?

During my bachelor days I was staying at a place called BS Maqta in Hyderabad. The Muslim expansion of the initials was Bada Saheb where as that of the Hindu was Bhole Shankar. The other day, I accidentally stumbled upon the name in Google Maps. There it was 'Bhole Saheb Maqta'.

Triumph of Humility

[Two people on a motorcycle and I was walking]
[He] : Deccan Hospital?
[I]: aa..aa...aa..
[Shall I take it out and search]
[Won't look good]
[Or shall I?]
[He]: No idea?
[I]: aa..aa..aa..
[So what?]
[I'm not the last person]
[It's natural]
[Not really]
[He]: No idea?
[I]: Sorry, No idea.

Unrequited Lust

On peak of my happiness
Counting my blessings
Life on cruise mode
No more fear of failures
and regrets of any kind
I was living my age

I saw those eyes after a decade or so

We talked about our gentle past
I gyrated around a place we went

We saw, travelled and ate, I joked
We went out together never on a date

You never asked me out
Pressing those eyes she said
Intemperate were your word and stare
My hopes were you would dare
To shake a leg with me in dim light
To watch a movie in a corner seat
In those days had but one wish
Two of us together in dark bliss
I wasn't at all prude and fine
Shamelessly gave hints in vain

I was a believer ready to burn
But waiting for a share of my sin

Oh! It's all so pointless looking again
Neither you nor I can ever begin
Nothing defined us and nothing limited
So natural that never would be
She stopped and stared blankly at me
Embarrassed and confused we parted

I had struggled but killed the man of mountains
Convinced that I was born to swim
She came and resurrected the mountains
And I realized that man was the same
I was living my age

Note: Partly inspired by this blog post.

Awkward Ending

[At a fish stall. I was waiting for the fish I ordered to be cleaned and cut]
[He] : Are you the one who ordered the Tuna fish?
[I] : Yes.
[He]: How do you cook it? When I bought it last time, I fried as I didn't know any other way of cooking. And the smell was horrible.
[I]: I don't have much idea but our maid knows how to cook it.
[He]: I must say, the smell was unbearable
[I]: When I bought it first time, I had to throw it [I missed to explain it was not because of smell but my roasted fish turned out to be a big flop].
[He]: Ha..Ha.. but doesn't it smell?
[I]: I don't think so. I suppose our maid knows the way to cook it.
[He]: Look at all these fishes. I mean they are so expensive and this is still available at a reasonable price. That's the reason I bought it last time and my goodness the smell was horrible.
[I]: [I gave a sheepish grin as that's the precise reason I bought it too. However, I never wanted it to come out as my deteriorating quality of life but as an experiment with some exotic fish]
I mean it doesn't smell as bad as, say, Sardine...
[He]: No...No...
[I]: Also, we cook it and don't fry it. I suppose fried fish always smell worse.
[He]: No, Not really. The smell of Sardine fry or any other fry is actually a good smell. This was actually a foul smell.
[I must say I do agree with smelling good fried fish and felt embarrassed that I might have been inadvertently influenced by those vegetarians]
[I]: My maid actually removes the skin and cooks. Did you remove the skin while frying?
[He]: No, we didn't. We infact fried with skin intact.
[I]: Not sure. But that could be one reason for that foul smell. Or maybe we should ask the Japanese..He..He..
[He]: Yes, that could be the reason. So, that's why you have asked the guy to remove the skin
[I]: Yes.
[Then couple of minutes of silence]
[He]: Okay, then. Thank you.
[I]: Ah..Ah... You're welcome.

Lost Thought

There rose a thought
A blown flower

Flowing bliss
Like a trance 
I felt pleasant
A real content

Future is certain
Past laid rest
Then it vanished
In a flash
And I wrote this

ಅಂಕಮರ್ಮ (Sun Tzu's Art of War) - ೨

ಅಂಕ ಸಾರುವುದು

೧. ಸುನ್ ಜ಼ಿ ಹೇಳಿದ್ದಾನೆ: ಕಾಳದ ವ್ಯವಹಾರಗಳಲ್ಲಿ, ಸಾವಿರ ಕ್ಷಿಪ್ರ ತೇರುಗಳು, ಮತ್ತಷ್ಟೇ ಗಡಸು ತೇರುಗಳು, ಒಂದು ಲಕ್ಷ ಕವಚತೊಟ್ಟ ಕಾಲಾಳುಗಳು ಕಣದಲ್ಲಿರುವರೇ, ಸಾವಿರ ಮೈಲಿಗಳಿಗೆ ಸಾಕಾಗುವಷ್ಟು ಬುತ್ತಿ, ಮನೆ ಮತ್ತು ಕಣದ ಖರ್ಚು- ಅತಿಥಿಗಳ ಮನರಂಜನೆಯೂ ಸೇರಿಸಲ್ಪಟ್ಟು-, ಅಂಟು ಮತ್ತು ಬಣ್ಣಗಳಂಥ ಸಣ್ಣ ಸಾಮಗ್ರಿಗಳು, ತೇರುಗಳು ಮತ್ತು ಆಯುಧಗಳಿಗಾದ ವೆಚ್ಚ, ಇವೆಲ್ಲ ಸೇರಿ ಪ್ರತಿ ದಿನದ ಮೊತ್ತ ಸಾವಿರ ಬೆಳ್ಳಿ ಪಣಗಳಾಗುವುದು. ಒಂದು ಲಕ್ಷ ಕಾಲಾಳುಗಳ ಪಡೆಯನ್ನು ಕಟ್ಟಲು ವೆಚ್ಚವು ಇಂತಿರುವುದು.

೨. ಕಾಳಗವು ನಡೆಯುತ್ತಿರುವ ಸಮಯದಲ್ಲಿ, ಗೆಲುವಿನ ಲಕ್ಷಣಗಳು ಇನ್ನೂ ದೂರದಲ್ಲಿದ್ದರೆ, ಆಳುಗಳ ಆಯುಧಗಳು ಸವೆದು ಹೋಗುತ್ತವೆ, ಅವರ ಹುಮ್ಮಸ್ಸು ಕಂದುತ್ತದೆ. ಪಟ್ಟಣವನ್ನು ಮುತ್ತಿಗೆ ಹಾಕಿರುವರೆ, ನೀವು ಬಳಲಿ ಹೋಗುತ್ತೀರಿ.

೩. ಮತ್ತೊಮ್ಮೆ ಹೇಳಬೇಕಾಗಿರುವುದು, ಕದನ ಎಳೆದುಕೊಂಡು ಹೋದರೆ, ರಾಜ್ಯದ ಬಗೆಗಳು ಈ ಪರಿಶ್ರಮಕ್ಕೆ ಬೇಕಾದ ದುಡ್ಡೇರಿಸುವುದರಲ್ಲಿ ಹಿಂದೆ ಬೀಳುವುವು.

೪. ನಿಮ್ಮ ಆಯುಧಗಳು ಸವೆದಾಗ, ಹುಮ್ಮಸ್ಸು ಕನ್ದಿದಾಗ, ಚೈತನ್ಯ ಬತ್ತಿದಾಗ ಮತ್ತು ಖಜಾನೆ ಖಾಲಿಯಾದಾಗ, ಬೇರೆ ನಾಯಕರು ನಿಮ್ಮ ಕಷ್ಟದ ಉಪಯೋಗ ಪಡೆಯಲು ಎದ್ದು ಬರುವರು. ಆಗ ಯಾವನೂ, ಎಷ್ಟೊಂದು ಜಾಣನಾದರೂ, ಮುಂಬರುವ ಖಚಿತ ಪರಿಣಾಮಗಳನ್ನು ತಪ್ಪಿಸಲಾಗುವುದಿಲ್ಲ.

೫. ಹಾಗಾಗಿ, ನಾವು ಅಂಕದಲ್ಲಿ ಆತುರಗೆಟ್ಟವರ ದಡ್ಡತನವನ್ನು ಕೇಳಿದ್ದರೂ, ತುಂಬಾ ತಡ ಮಾಡುವ ಹವಣಿಕೆಗಳು ಚತುರನೀತಿ ಎಂದು ಹೇಳುವಂತಿಲ್ಲ.

೬. ತುಂಬಾ ಸಮಯ ಎಳೆದುಕೊಂಡು ಹೋದ ಕಾಳಗಗಳಿಂದ ಪ್ರಯೋಜನಪಟ್ಟ ನಾಡುಗಳ ಯಾವುದೇ ನಿದರ್ಶನಗಳಿಲ್ಲ.

೭. ಯಾವನು ಕಾಳಗದ ಕೇಡುಗಳನ್ನು ಚೆನ್ನಾಗಿ ಅರಿತಿರುವನೋ, ಅವನು ಮಾತ್ರವೆ ಅದನ್ನು ಲಾಭದಾಯಕವಾಗಿ ನಡೆಸುವ ಸಾಮರ್ಥ್ಯ ಹೊಂದಿರುತ್ತಾನೆ.

೮. ಚಾಣಾಕ್ಷ ಅನ್ಕೇಯ ಎರಡನೆಯ ಬಾರಿಗೆ ಕರ ಹೇರುವುದಿಲ್ಲ, ಅಲ್ಲದೇ ಅವನ ಸಾಮಾನು ಬಂಡಿಗಳನ್ನು ಎರಡು ಸರ್ತಿಗಿಂತಲು ಮೇಲಾಗಿ ತುಂಬಬೇಕಾಗಿಲ್ಲ.

೯. ಕದನ ಸಾಮಗ್ರಿಗಳನ್ನು ನಿಮ್ಮ ನಾಡಿಂದ ತನ್ನಿ, ಆದರೆ ಊಟ ವೈರಿಯಿಂದ ಕಬಳಿಸಿ. ಈ ರೀತಿ ಪಡೆಗೆ ಬೇಕಾದಷ್ಟು ಆಹಾರ ಸ್ಥಿರವಾಗುವುದು.

೧೦.

To be continued:

Source:

http://suntzusaid.com/book/2

ಅಂಕಮರ್ಮ (Sun Tzu's Art of War) - ೧

ತಳಪಾಯ
೧. ಸುನ್ ಜ಼ಿ ಹೇಳುವರು: ಅಂಕಮರ್ಮವು ನಾಡಿಗೆ ಗುರುತರವಾದದ್ದು.

೨. ಇದು ಸಾವು-ಬದುಕಿನ ಪ್ರಶ್ನೆ, ಉಳಿವಿನ ಇಲ್ಲಾ ಅಳಿವಿನ ದಾರಿ. ಆದುದರಿಂದ ಈ ಪರಿಶೀಲನಾ ವಿಷಯವನ್ನು ಯಾವುದೇ ಕಾರಣಕ್ಕೂ ಕಡೆಗಣಿಸುವಂತಿಲ್ಲ.

೩. ಹಾಗಾಗಿ, ಐದು ಸ್ಥಾಯಿಗಳಿಂದ ಪರಿಪಾಲಿಸಲ್ಪಟ್ಟ ಈ ಅಂಕಮರ್ಮವನ್ನು, ಕಣದ ಹದವನ್ನು ಅಂದಾಜಿಸುವ ಹವಣಿಕೆಗಳಲ್ಲಿ ಗಮನದಲಿಟ್ಟಿರಬೇಕು.

೪. ಈ ಸ್ಥಾಯಿಗಳೆಂದರೆ, ೧. ನೈತಿಕ ಧರ್ಮ ೨. ಕಾಡು ೩. ನಾಡು ೪. ಮನ್ನೆಯ  ೫. ಕ್ರಮ ಮತ್ತು ಶಿಸ್ತು

೫,೬. ನೈತಿಕ ಧರ್ಮವು, ಬದುಕಿನ ಪರಿವಿಲ್ಲದೆ, ಯಾವುದೇ ಅಂಜಿಕೆಯ ಅಳುಕಿಲ್ಲದೆ, ಪ್ರಜೆಗಳು ತಮ್ಮ ಅರಸನಿಗೆ ಸಂಪೂರ್ಣವಾಗಿ ಬದ್ಧರಾಗಿರುವಂತೆ ಕಾಯ್ದುಕೊಳ್ಳುತ್ತದೆ.

೭. ಕಾಡು, ಹಗಲು ಮತ್ತು ಇರುಳು, ಬೆಚ್ಚಗೆ ಮತ್ತು ತಂಪು, ಕಾಲಗಳು ಮತ್ತು ಋತುಗಳನ್ನು ಸೂಚಿಸುತ್ತದೆ.

೮. ನಾಡು, ದೊಡ್ಡ ಮತ್ತು ಸಣ್ಣ ಅಂತರಗಳನ್ನು, ಅಪಾಯ ಮತ್ತು ಅಭಯಗಳನ್ನು, ಬಯಲು ಮತ್ತು ಓಣಿಗಳನ್ನು, ಸಾವು ಮತ್ತು ಬಾಳಿನ ಸಾಧ್ಯತೆಗಳನ್ನು, ತುಂಬಿಕೊಂಡಿರುತ್ತದೆ.

೯. ಮನ್ನೆಯ, ವಿವೇಕ, ವಿಶ್ವಾಸ, ಇಂಬಿಕೆ, ಧೈರ್ಯ ಮತ್ತು ಕಡಾಖಂಡಿತವನ್ನು ಪ್ರತಿಬಿಂಬಿಸುತ್ತಾನೆ.

೧೦. ಕ್ರಮ ಮತ್ತು ಶಿಸ್ತುಗಳು, ಸೈನ್ಯವನ್ನು ತಕ್ಕ ಉಪವಿಭಾಗಗಳಾಗಿ ಸಂಗಟಿಸುವಲ್ಲಿ, ಸೇನಾನಾಯಕರ ದರ್ಜೆಗಳನ್ನು ನಿರ್ಧರಿಸುವಲ್ಲಿ, ಪಡೆಗೆ ಸಾಮಾನು ಸರಬರಾಜು ಮಾಡುವ ದಾರಿಗಳ ಉಸ್ತುವಾರಿಯಲ್ಲಿ, ಮನವರಿಕೆಯಾಗುತ್ತವೆ.

೧೧. ಈ ಐದು ತಲೆಗಳು ಪ್ರತಿ ದಂಡನಾಯಕನಿಗೆ ತಿಳಿದಿರಬೇಕು. ಅರಿತವನು ಗೆಲುವನ್ನು ಹೊಂದುತ್ತಾನೆ; ಅರಿಯದೇ ಹೋದವನು ಸೋಲನ್ನು ಅನುಭವಿಸುತ್ತಾನೆ.

೧೨. ಆದುದರಿಂದ, ಕಣದ ಹದವನ್ನು ಅಂದಾಜಿಸುವ ನಿಮ್ಮ ಹವಣಿಕೆಗಳಲ್ಲಿ, ಇವು ನಿಮ್ಮ ಹೋಲಿಕೆಗಳಿಗೆ ಈ ರೀತಿ ಆಧಾರವಾಗಿರಲಿ;

೧೩.
(೧). ಈ ಅರಸರೀರ್ವರಲ್ಲಿ ಯಾರು ನೈತಿಕ ಧರ್ಮವನ್ನು ಪ್ರಚೋದಿಸುತ್ತಾನೆ?

(೨). ಈ ದಂಡನಾಯಕರೀರ್ವರಲ್ಲಿ ಯಾರು ಜಾಣರು?

(೩). ಯಾರಲ್ಲಿ ಕಾಡು ಮತ್ತು  ನಾಡುಗಳ ಅನುಕೂಲತೆ ಸೇರಿಕೊಂಡಿದೆ?

(೪). ಯಾವ ಕಡೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ಶಿಸ್ತನ್ನು ಕಡುವಾಗಿ ಹೇರಿದ್ದಾರೆ?

(೫). ಯಾವ ಪಡೆ ಪ್ರಬಲವಾಗಿದೆ?

(೬). ಯಾವ ಕಡೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ನಾಯಕರು ಮತ್ತು ಕಾಲಾಳುಗಳು ಕಠಿಣ ತರಬೇತಿ ಪಡೆದಿದ್ದಾರೆ?

(೭). ಯಾವ ಪಡೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ದಂಡನೆ ಮತ್ತು ಮಂಡನೆಗಳು ಸ್ಥಿರ ಖಚಿತವಾಗಿರುತ್ತವೆ?

೧೪. ಈ ಏಳು ಗಮನಗಳಿಂದ ನಾನು ಗೆಲುವು ಇಲ್ಲಾ ಸೋಲನ್ನು ಮುಂಚೂಣಿಯಲ್ಲೇ ಹೇಳಬಲ್ಲೆ.

೧೫. ನನ್ನ ಸೊಲ್ಲನ್ನು ಆಲಿಸಿ, ಅದರಂತೆ ನಡೆದುಕೊಳ್ಳುವ ದಂಡನಾಯಕನು ವಿಜಯೀಯಾಗುವನು: ಅಂತಹವನನ್ನೇ ನಿರಂತರವಾಗಿ ಕೆಲಸದಲ್ಲಿರಸಬೇಕು! ನಿರ್ಲಕ್ಷಿಸುವವನು ಕೆಲಸ ಕಳೆದುಕೊಳ್ಳಬೇಕು!

೧೬. ನಾನು ಹೇಳಿದ ಹಿತನುಡಿಗಳನ್ನುಪಾಲಿಸುವುದರೊಂದಿಗೆ, ಈವರೆಗೆ ಹೇಳಿದ ನಿಯಮಗಳ ಹೊರತಾಗಿ ಸಹಾಯಕವಾಗುವ ಬೇರೆ ಪರಿಸ್ಥಿತಿಗಳಿದ್ದರೆ ಅವನ್ನೂ ಬಳಸಿಕೊಳ್ಳಿ.

೧೭. ಪರಿಸ್ಥಿತಿಗಳಿಗೆ ತಕ್ಕಂತೆ ಯೋಜನೆಗಳನ್ನು ಬದಲಾಯಿಸಿ.

೧೮. ಎಲ್ಲಾ ಕಾಳಗಗಳು ಮೋಸವನ್ನು ಅವಲಂಬಿಸಿವೆ.

೧೯. ಅದಕ್ಕಾಗಿ, ಕದನಕ್ಕೆ ಸನ್ನದ್ಧರಾಗಿದ್ದರೂ, ಆಗಿರದಂತೆ ತೋರಿಸಬೇಕು; ನಮ್ಮ ಪಡೆಗಳನ್ನು ನಡೆಸುತ್ತಿದ್ದರೂ, ನಿಷ್ಕ್ರಿಯರಾಗಿರುವಂತೆ ಕಾಣಬೇಕು; ನಾವು ಸನಿಹದಲ್ಲಿದ್ದರೂ, ವೈರಿಗೆ ದೂರದಲ್ಲಿರುವಂತೆ ಗೋಚರಿಸಬೇಕು; ಮತ್ತು ದೂರದಲ್ಲಿದ್ದರೆ, ಹತ್ತಿರದಲ್ಲಿರುವ ನಂಬಿಕೆ ಹುಟ್ಟಿಸಬೇಕು.

೨೦. ವೈರಿಯನ್ನು ಸಿಕ್ಕಿಸಲು ಎರೆ ಹಾಕಿ. ಗೊಂದಲದ ಆಟವಾಡಿ, ಇಂತು ಅವನನ್ನು ಕಿವುಚಿ ಬಿಡಿ.

೨೧. ಅವನು ಎಲ್ಲ ಕಡೆಯಿಂದಲು ಸುರಕ್ಷಿತನಾಗಿದ್ದರೆ,  ಅವನಿಗಾಗಿ ಕಾದಿರಿ. ಅವನು ನಿಮಗಿಂತ ಗಟ್ಟಿಗನಾಗಿದ್ದರೆ, ಎದುರುಗೊಳ್ಳುವುದನ್ನುತಪ್ಪಿಸಿ.

೨೨. ನಿಮ್ಮ ಎದುರಾಳಿ ಮುಂಗೋಪಿಯಾಗಿದ್ದರೆ, ಕೆಣಕಲು ಯತ್ನಿಸಿ. ಅವನ ಸೊಕ್ಕೇರಿಸಲು ಜೊಳ್ಳಾಗಿ ಅಭಿನಯಿಸಿ.

೨೩. ಅವನು ವಿಶ್ರಾಮ ತೆಗೆದುಕೊಳ್ಳುತ್ತಿದ್ದರೆ, ಅವನನ್ನು ನಿರಂತರವಾಗಿ ಕದಡಿಸಿ. ಅವನ ಪಡೆಯ ಒಗ್ಗಟ್ಟನ್ನು ಒಡೆಯಿರಿ.

೨೪. ಅವನ ಏರ್ಪಾಡಿನ ಕೊರತೆಯಿದ್ದಲ್ಲಿ ಏರಿ ಹೋಗಿ, ಅವನು ನಿರೀಕ್ಷಿಸಿಲ್ಲದಲ್ಲಿ ಪ್ರತ್ಯಕ್ಷರಾಗಿ.

೨೫. ಗೆಲುವಿಗೆ ಸೊಪಾನವಾಗುವ ಈ ಅಂಕ ಗುಟ್ಟುಗಳನ್ನು ಯಾರಿಗೂ ಮೊದಲೇ ಬಿಟ್ಟುಕೊಡಬಾರದು.

೨೬. ಕಾಳಗದ ಮೊದಲೇ ಬಹಳಷ್ಟು ಲೆಕ್ಕಗಳನ್ನು ಮಾಡುವ ದಂಡನಾಯಕನು ಗೆಲ್ಲುತ್ತಾನೆ. ಸೋಲನ್ನನುಭವಿಸಿದವನು ಕೆಲವಷ್ಟೇ ಲೆಕ್ಕಗಳನ್ನು ಮಾಡಿರುತ್ತಾನೆ. ಹೆಚ್ಚು ಲೆಕ್ಕಗಳು ಗೆಲುವಿಗೆ ಹಾದಿ, ಕೆಲವು ಸೋಲಿಗೆ: ಇನ್ನೆಷ್ಟನ್ನುವುದು ಲೆಕ್ಕಕ್ಕಿಲ್ಲ! ಈ ವಿಚಾರಗಳಿಗೆ ಗಮನ ಕೊಟ್ಟು, ನಾನು ಯಾರು ಗೆಲುವರುಇಲ್ಲಾ ಸೋಲುವರು ಅನ್ನುವುದನ್ನು ಮುಂಚಿತವಾಗಿಯೇ ಹೇಳಬಲ್ಲೆ.

Source:
http://suntzusaid.com/book/1

Unbalanced Fear

All pieces are falling into place. Today* I came to know that Vertigo has been named as the greatest film of all time. Today I came to know that I am having my own tryst with the vertigo. I don't think there is any connection between these two events except for the word vertigo. So it's just two different things coming together on the same day and I'm like "vertigo", "vertigo". However, my vertigo is self diagnosis and not confirmed by an expert or a doctor. So even 'vertigo' being common is also doubtful.

I stopped my car at a signal and suddenly felt my car moving backwards. Now this has happened to me before whenever I had to stop on a up slope.  Every time I felt I might not be controlling the car properly. But in those days I also blamed it, with my half cooked knowledge, on Newton's laws or some Einstein's experiment. But this time I was curious whether there is something more to it as it happened on an even road. I browsed and came across others having the same experience and finally zeroed in on 'benign vertigo'.

My constant fear with driving has been the event where I have to stop and move on an up ramp  road.This fear has been my constant companion whenever I have to take my car out. I do like driving with the windows closed, music playing and lost in dreams. Heavy traffic doesn't interfere with my reverie on a straight road. But the thought of getting caught in a traffic on a ramp where I have to stop the car and then move up has been a scary one. During the initial days of my driving, I would become very conscious of the upcoming ramp, the heart beat would go up, legs would start shivering and the sweat would appear all over my face. After three or four years, the physical manifestations of my fear have disappeared but I'm still very conscious of an impending ramp whenever I drive.

Not that I found it difficult to control my car. In fact, except for couple of times (early days of driving ) I always managed to manoeuvre the car up with hardly making it move backwards which is my biggest fear (though most drivers don't even care the slight initial backward movement). However, once I felt the vertigo when I stopped on a ramp and that fear remained with me for too long. 

But the dampening part of this experience was it took years for my body to become normal. It doesn't feel great that I no longer sweat or shiver at the thought of a ramp or I don't have any sense of achievement in becoming normal. Strangely, it feels rather demoralizing that I battled with a pseudo fear. It's as if my driving skill was not properly registered with the fear mechanism.

Would I have been a  normal driver had it not for the vertigo? I can only speculate now. The interplay between actual physical deficiency which in turn creates psychological signals is rather intriguing.  What is the point of this fear? Is that a way to stop me from driving as the actual physical deficiency might have led to some life threatening accidents? If so, is there a way to register the skill such that the fear mechanism could be controlled quickly? The fact is it took so many years for the manifestations of the fear to go, I guess it's as if body became immune to the fear. I mean I still become conscious but don't feel shivering or increased heart beat (and which I keep monitoring). The worst part is it has diluted the quality of life.

*I started this post on August 2nd.

Thinking about thinking

Memory is sketchy. Observations are more of imagination than anything concrete. May the conclusions be objective even if wrong.

I studied in Kannada medium for the first ten years and then as a rule moved to English medium for my +2 (or two years Pre-University Course) and engineering. My spoken English was non-existent. I don't remember what I thought about thinking in English when I was in +2 or whether I really tried to engage in that. However, I remember going completely blank whenever I tried to think about technical concepts in English during my engineering. For some reason, I never tried to translate anything into Kannada. I'm not able to guess whether the reason being I found it difficult to find Kannada equivalents of the English technical terms or found it difficult to use English technical terms naturally in Kannada sentences.

It doesn't mean that my curiosity and creativity were curbed as I moved to English medium(on the contrary I grew up more skeptical though remaining philistine throughout). During my school days too I had been a passive student although I don't think I was much into rote learning by the time I reached the high school (8 to 10 years of my student life). Not that I thought by-hearting silly but didn't have the focus to study multiple times.

Once I moved to professional life, my usage of English went up. And nowadays I think only in English and it's not just technical information. I find it interesting to observe that where the common lingo would have been Kannada when conversing face-to-face, the imaginary talks are conducted in English. In contrast to my inability to think in English I suppose I shouldn't have any difficulty in thinking those conversations in Kannada.

I have heard a saying, if you can't articulate then you haven't understood clearly. But even when I wasn't able to articulate them clearly, I thought I could understand the concepts presented in English. I suppose grasping and articulating are not completely interdependent functions which may appear so if  there is a prevailing condition of a common language in grasping and in articulating.

But my engineering friend, who studied in English medium throughout, once told me he couldn't think in English and always translated everything into Kannada whenever he had to ponder over any of the concepts. He was one of the sharp brains in the class (but volatile and I was average).

I wonder whether there is another brain function called mapping between languages. If that's the case this should be the flow for a student with mother-tongue and the medium of instruction being different.

Grasping in the second language->Mapping to the best language->Thinking in the mapped language->Mapping to the second language->Articulating in the second language

I suppose 'mapping' is not a common function since in general there is no need for this ability. Children who have problem with this function would be best served if they study in their best language. For others the medium of instruction shouldn't matter.

Movie Review: Gangs of Wasseypur(Part 1)

I like mostly movies like the pirates of the Caribbean or the movies of, say, Jim Carrey. In other words, I like absolute fantasies or absolute absurdities. Any other movie, not withstanding my feeling while watching it, leaves me unsatisfied and sometimes even frustrated. Especially, the so-called offbeat movies or the offbeat movies made for the multiplexes leave me rather confused. I struggle to find a way to appreciate them.

I recently watched the movie,"Gangs of Wasseypur (Part - I)". It looked as if all stereotypes were woven together.

1. The difference in self-respect and ambition between an upper caste and a lower caste
 The upper caste Pathan is shown to be a man with an overwhelming self-respect who is biding his time to move up the ladder. The lower caste Qureshis for all their nastiness are still stuck to their fate and behave obsequiously in front of their upper caste Hindu masters.

2. Chivalrous upper caste and rapist lower caste
The upper caste men are chivalrous with their women but lower castes rape. However, the actual scenario in a Bihari village could be rather different as this article says. However, the portrayal in the movie probably does justice to the stereotypical feeling.

3. Hindu woman
A sexually liberated and provocatively dressed Hindu woman becomes second wife of a chivalrous Muslim man.

4. Karma philosophy
There is no dialogue that has the wit of "I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse" but "You are right; he is a male" has the wisdom of over two thousands years.

5. Purity of Wife
If one expects that a moment of non-stereotypical has arrived, the director immediately recognizes audiences' child like emotional state and declares "nothing has happened" to the purity of the true wife.

6. Whimsical woman
Now I shouldn't be thinking that the director inserted scenes inspired from the Godfather without any purpose or that he had an illusion that copying classic scenes would naturally make his movie also a classic, so I had to interpret Durga's betrayal of her husband in a new light. That probably wasn't required if I stick to the stereotype of a woman. For want of a strong and compelling reason of that scene I could only say that the woman was cunning, whimsical etc...

Black and White

In the land of the colourless Dravidian
there lived once a light skinned man
married to a woman swarthy of the skin
and there was a scion of the said union

Everyone gushed whom "appa's son"
when the land rotated towards the sun
but when the light faded as day came down
"amma's son" they said in unison

His favourite

maths was beyond your comprehension
but you cleared it with distinction
she was beyond you in badminton
but you won as she conceded in pain
He was tardy with His wife's security
but He sent you an auto on a night eerie
aren't you one favourite child of God?

He talks to you the words never uttered
you felt His presence coordinates undefined
i shudder the evil you without Him the keeper
and the mind without peace replenished in time regular
aren't you one favourite child of His?

Hearty Fool

Other day I was travelling in a British Airways flight. The guy sitting next to me spilled the red wine over my pant. It is said that holding the red wine at parties makes you look foolish. Drinking in flights too, I guess. The person apologized profusely but unnecessarily to a person who was eager to forgive because of the embarrassment that had caused.

He called up a steward and got paper napkins. Then pressed them over my pant to absorb the moisture. The guy, who was necking his female companion throughout the journey, was deeply repentant of his act and was trying too hard to minimize the damage even though I sheepishly protested his  help.

The steward who had been observing it then asked me whether I need the white wine. I couldn't really follow what he meant. He explained the white wine would remove the stain of the red wine. I wondered whether that's some quack science or British subtle humour. Anyway, I was quite confused whether I should be bothered about my wet pant at that moment or the state of the pant with the stain. He continued that adding the white wine would of course make the moisture worse. I said I preferred the things as they stand then.

Later I checked and found that the white wine indeed removes the stain of the red wine.

You Feudal Woman

Was that patterned on the swaying paddies
Was that written on the teak pillar
Were you haunted by the ruins of second homes
Were you fucked up plainly by your own mother

When penis so powerful that vagina was a burden
Life so secure that uncertainty was unknown
A powerful man could play with you as his temple
And could give you a class and life simple

Those Things have gone past long ago
Only abstracts have remained and very much so
The powerful unknown is the owner of your ego
Gives you peace by ensuring certainty in chaos

There are reasons
for your madness
Einstein has endorsed
the relativity of godness
You are true to heaven
like a born vegetarian to chicken
How much you wannabe a racist
as it is all powerful and calmest

You can see through those godmen-women with mirth
You can laugh at those virgins and the birth
You don't have time for those daily piety
You are a non-believer but for patriarchy

No confidence in your playful self
And panic of a wandering half
Life is dismal and death won't be pretty
For you don't let go the charm of certainty

Undeserved

One evening so non-descriptive
You smiled upon me calling

It was like a bolt from the blue
Thing I thought never would come true

I had so forgotten you
So I figured out you too

My longing for you was vague
Never were you mine to belong

That truth is slowly creeping over
Was this a mistake somewhere?

Possibilities are haunting and various
Each one more humiliating than the previous

Triumph has turned into a nightmare
Guilt of undeserved crushing me under

Colour of Lust

Perhaps irritating stereotypes of a person begin with the association of colours with babies; pink with girls and blue with boys. Pink is so garish for my taste that I find it offensive both on boys and girls. Then there is another association of pink with love. I wonder how that could be the case. On the contrary, I've an empirical evidence that the colour most likely could be associated with lust instead of love.

The incident happened a decade ago (So, I have reached an age where I talk in decades. Why did I write that previous pointless sentence?) I was browsing through the cloth section of a mall in Hyderabad. I overheard a lady excitedly telling her man in Kannada, "buy the pink one, buy the pink one" and both started giggling. I turned around and found they were standing in front of men's underwear rack. I was scandalized by their loud vulgarity and felt disgusted with their moral degradation in their perceived anonymity in an alien land or in the midst of alien speakers. At that time, I didn't give much importance to the lady's specific attachment to "pink" underwear - not for herself but for her man.

Few years ago, there was a so-called 'pink chaddi campaign' against Hindutva moralists who targetted pub  going girls. I think the choice of pink colour in this case too gives credence to the association of the colour with lust. Empirical evidences so far only associate this colour with men when women expect them to be lusty.

Heart Disease and Y-Haplogroup R2

A new study has observed that coronary artery disease (CAD) is passed from father to son or inherited through the Y-chromosome. The researchers also make a point that people with certain haplogroups are more prone to heart disease compared to others. Among British, men who have Y-chromosome belonging to haplogroup I carry 50% greater risk of heart disease compared to men who belong to haplogroup R1b1b2.

I have family history of heart diseases. My haplogroup is R2a. The greatest concentration of R2a clan is in Andhra Pradesh where one-third of males carry this Y-chromosome. Incidentally, Andhra Pradesh also has the dubious distinction of being the top state in India in terms of the number of heart patients. So, I make an educated guess that in India people who belong to Y-haplogroup R2a have a greater risk of heart disease compared to other lineages.

I suppose one-third of Sinhalese and one-fourth of Bangladeshis also belong to this haplogroup. I wonder whether their heart disease rates are comparable to Andhra Pradesh.

Middle Caste Fatalism

[He1] : It was an intercaste marriage.
[He2] : What is she?
[He1] : ...
[He2] : What is he?
[He1] : ...
[He2] : Okay. It's good. At least both from the upper castes.
[He1] : Why do you say that? What's so bad if any one of them was from a lower caste?
[He2] : I blurted out something. Not much thought has gone into it.
[He1] : You may not mean it. But those words came out of you naturally. Aren't they?
[He2] : True.
[He1] : ...
[He2] : I don't know how to explain it. It may be different here in the South. But in the North, the caste consciousness so deeply ingrained that you just hate certain castes. The claims of superiority of certain castes is so overwhelming that you don't want have anything with other castes. You want to preserve yourself.
.
.
.
[He2] : I know, rationally what I just said is wrong and meaningless. But I'm conditioned to speak in a certain way in public.
[He1] : What is your true self?
[He2] : I really don't know. I have expressed my rational self occasionally with my family at least but those words made hardly any sense to them.

Denied

What I call that but a let down
I thought I wasn't heard out
Not a fair chance of presenting mine
I had shown the interest

I know I am ready
With ideas beyond the boundary
But you chose someone else
Who will never meet in uniqueness

No doubt he is capable
Perhaps a better bet in the long run
But I have plans ample
Not for my pleasure to you I turn

You follow a structure
Afraid as you that you may reinvent the wheel
Defined your life and your character
Based on imaginations of a male

You expect me to approach in Dreyfus model
That is a fallacy of is-ought scale
For us questions are known
A novice-expert in every moment I'll remain

You need a direct contact and a rapport
Building a bond toasting beer
Unfortunate stereotypes as the guiding rules
Burkha clad woman fighting freedom of choice

Unconfused and passionate first time in life
I would have triumphed or perished, hell right
You should have tried me out either way
Nothing would have made difference to you anyway

About Tennis Gods

As an Indian, I should hardly care if any of the present trinity of the world tennis (male) win any of the tournaments. However, whenever I watch a match either between Rafael and Roger or between Rafael and

 Novak, I expect Rafael to lose. I wonder why I can't keep my indifference and enjoy their play equally and hope that the best player on that day would win.

When I think about it, I guess I like Roger because he comes across as a good boy who finished first and Novak as a funny boy who was more than a side show. But why should I like people who come across either good or funny? Is it because there is an instinctive feeling that these boys would be never be my wife's wet dream boys?

Coming out of that meaningless instinctive feeling, I feel I should always hope for a Rafael win. That is a better sight for the personality worshiping culture of developing world.

I found, among three only Rafael is an atheist and the other two are religious. Now, the Wikipedia article says, he is an agnostic. The term agnostic is basically meaningless, because I feel it introduced an unwarranted definition which didn't stem from a naturalistic view but originated from a monotheistic definition. In my opinion, there are two types of agnostics. The first one is a closet religious person but lives in a society where that would be seen as ignorance. The other one is overly bothered to project his/her humble self thus does not want to be known as an atheist. I assume Rafael is the second kind.

It is at the moments in the match that become crucial when I see the differences. Today at the Australian Open final, Novak was thanking the god profusely whereas Rafael was aggressively backing himself up. Novak's humbleness in thanking the god and Rafael's arrogance in not doing that would make Novak the darling of all not so gifted bodies as he shows there is some outside help afterall. What does Rafael offer? Nothing. He just indicates everyone are on their own.

It appears even the agnostic self is insufficient to make him humble enough. I wonder what kind of signs he should show that make others have a hope that if they ever thought of becoming atheists or agnostics then they can become a winner like him.

Novak's religiosity in a region, where a single linguistic group became three nations owing to three religions (or two, one Islam and the other two Christian denominations) and thus has been proven to be absurd and dangerous, is a bad example for hero worshiping people from other regions.

Need for the Caste System - iv

A Karnataka Minister
- Rolling over Brahmins' leftovers cures the skin diseases of lower castes

Wavering Lawfulness

[A lady customer storms into the pharmacy]
[Lady Customer] You didn't give me the bill.
[Pharmacist] < coolly > You didn't ask for it.
[Lady Customer] But you must give the bill.
[Pharmacist] Had you asked, I would have.
[Lady Customer] I might have forgotten.
[Pharmacist] I thought you didn't need it.
[Lady Customer] But you must give the bill by default!
[Pharmacist] Okay, wait. I'll give you the bill.
The present customer didn't ask for the bill. The pharmacist didn't give one.
The second customer didn't ask for the bill. The pharmacist didn't give one.
The third customer didn't ask for the bill. The pharmacist didn't give one.
Now the pharmacist turned his attention to the lady customer.
[Pharmacist] Name
[Lady Customer] < No longer the firm voice that she started with > ...
[Pharmacist] Spell it.. Doctor's name
[Lady Customer] .... Give me one more medicine
[Lady Customer] < pays for the new medicine >Take two rupees change...
[Lady Customer] Oh! It's one rupee...
[Pharmacist] Here you go...< gives the bills for the previous and the present medicines >
[Lady Customer] < ready to go >
[Pharmacist] Wait! you have to get back ten rupees change.
[Lady Customer] Oh! Thank you!

Joining the mainstream

[Conversation over the phone]
[Blood relative 1]: He he he...
[Blood relative 2]: He he he...
[Blood relative 1:]: ummm...
[Blood relative 2]: HAAPpy new yi.....
[Blood relative 1]: eh..eh...eh.. happynewyear